I've been so accustomed to doing terribly academically that it doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. Actually who am I kidding, it means so much to me. It defines my worth, it is the only thing people will view me through. In the eyes of others, I could just be that girl who spends too much time baking/ exploring/ taking photographs and ends up with horrible grades and naturally a bleak future.
I want to be an inspiration for the unconventional - I have so many great, big, plans and adventures I would like to embark on, but would anyone even support me if I don't even prove that I have the basic necessity of surviving in this society? That'd be brains, by the way. And so far, the only thing I've been proving is my lack of them.
But who's to say I didn't even try? Truth be told, I've never spent so much time studying but still, there's so much doubt in myself, there's so much I still don't know and I'm so, so scared. In fact, I'm freaking terrified. Stakes are high and I'm not sure if I have never felt this stressed before; I fear for my sanity next year with the A levels. There's so little to have faith about when one is as incapable as myself.
And what truly scares me is really the fact that there are so many people out there, so many people I know, who share the same mindset as myself. It's so unhealthy to be thinking this way - and I'm trying so hard to stop all these negativity, but it's so awfully difficult. Still, the sheer number of people who feel this way is such a disgusting reflection of our society and what it has morphed to become.
Yikes, it's so pathetic really.
And so am I.
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