At Peace

At Peace

Monday, May 12, 2014

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No, this cake has nothing to do with me being at peace with myself. But baking this beauty (as I'd like to think it is) has made me very happy this Vesak Day holiday, as with many things I've been doing recently. Somehow, I've grown to realize that being happy is something that takes conscious and consistent effort. And if I ever end up falling  into the negative thoughts zone, it's incredibly difficult for me to pull myself out from that deep, dark pit. Therefore, I'm going to ensure that as the year goes by, when things are all going to come really quickly, my happiness and my outlook to life will not be compromised, in any way. It's so important to me. This post shall be an update of sorts of how I'm doing currently :-) 

This past week, everything just seems to be going very well and I'm beyond thankful. Mel has been elected as Hadley-Hullet House Captain and Minglu's the Vice President of the Students' Council in RI(JC) - I couldn't be more proud for the two of them. They deserve it so much and I'm so glad that they are given this opportunity - I honestly feel like a mum who has watched her children grow up and take on bigger, more difficult roles and excelling in them. Jiayou the two of you! I have so much faith :') 

Habitat for Humanity is going rather well and so is Project Work - I think projects like this have got a lot to do with the people involved and I'm so grateful to be able to work with great friends and good working buddies (past experiences have got me working with friends but not good workers and everything's just bad so I'm super fortunate this time round). I see myself enjoying the things I have on my plate more and more now, even though it's a lot more toned down than previous years. Interact has been pretty good as well, everything's getting so exciting and I can't wait to embark on event planning again - honestly I've missed doing things of this nature way too much. 

On a sidenote, I've been listening to a lot of High School Musical songs recently and I realized that there are so many songs that resonate with me a lot more now, compared to when I was younger. Perhaps it's because I'm now their age group (pre university) and I'm going through the same problems they face as well. It's really nice though, to know that I'm not alone and that everyone goes through these things.

With this disorganized post, have a happy Vesak day everyone! :-) Or if that doesn't apply, happy holidays! And I shall leave you with a photo of my chocolate apple blueberry butter cake (wow what a mouthful) - I am very proud to say that I didn't even go grocery shopping to get ingredients for this - it was purely an impromptu and spur of the moment decision to bake this morning and I just got random things from my kitchen to put this together. It's a bit ironic because sometimes I plan to bake and it doesn't even turn out this good.

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Of Introversion

Of Introversion

Monday, May 5, 2014

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Every day, I find myself understanding myself a little bit more.

It's crazy, how we sometimes fault others for "changing" and not staying the same they used to be in the past, well not directly - but must I admit I blame others, albeit secretly for morphing into a different person. The thing is, I am constantly changing as well, with every passing event, which every small external force that acts upon me, making me stronger, more vulnerable, or even to the point of changing my values.

Or perhaps, I didn't change at all - perhaps no one really did. I probably just learnt to understand myself a bit more, or found out something about another person which has always been there, but I just didn't notice. Well, I guess that's something we wouldn't really know - whether it's a matter of nature or nurture but no - this isn't going to end up as a philosophical argument.

The thing is, today I realized that one of the most deeply entrenched idea I have about myself in actual fact, isn't really true. And that's extroversion. It's just an ideal I wanted myself to be ever since I was young and forced myself to follow that personality mould but to be entirely honest, it's not really me at all. It's insane, why did I bother to force fit myself into something I wasn't when I could be better off accepting myself for who I am and working on those things?

It's funny, because I constantly give people the impression that I'm outspoken but upon closer observation, I'm actually not. I'm just pretty loud and well, I suppose I'm not really afraid of speaking in public with proper preparation - give me an impromptu speech task and I'd do really badly (as I did last year on the countless times I had to speak on my feet in front of people) But that really doesn't mean anything so, while I end up drawing attention from people, I don't actually enjoy interacting with people. It's so difficult to sustain proper conversations and having to interact with other human beings sucks energy off me - instead of thriving from it, as extroverts do.

I admit, I do enjoy taking charge naturally because I find myself to be responsible and I trust myself the most (which is really quite a selfish mindset but I suppose that's really what I think and there's no point hiding it). I assume people do link me to the sort that takes on leadership roles but I suppose leaders aren't limited to the sphere of extroverts. Indeed, I must confess, for countless personality tests I've been taking over the years, I choose answers that will lead to my result saying that I'm an extrovert because in truth, I admire extroverts - for their enthusiasm and ability to influence the masses.

I'd never think I'd say this but I starting to believe that I'm inherently an introvert, not even an ambivert (essentially someone who has both introvert and extrovert qualities). Really, I've come to realize that all my hobbies focus on solitude - reading, writing, painting, photography, and just doing things alone. Taking walks in a park or even shopping; I enjoy all these leisure activities a lot more when I'm alone, without a need to interact with others. I admit I used to think it was "loner" to do things like this and I cared about what people think, which resulted in me having to rely on interacting with others to fill these voids - not that it made me happy - but as I grew older, I've found that there is honestly so much joy in doing things alone and I don't ever feel lonely. There is a certain excitement in embarking on something in solitude and solely having full control of what you're doing.

Upon reading the Wikipedia description of introverts, I can fully come to terms with most of what is written and somehow, coming to this conclusion brings me a certain sense of peace and contentment in a way. The more I understand myself, the easier it'll be to make decisions and it's also sort of liberating, not having to force myself into certain actions people expect of me because it's only if I come to terms with who I really am, will I truly be happy :-)

At this point in time, I am fairly overwhelmed and I have no idea what exactly I just wrote. But I'll post this anyway because I do hope that perhaps someone, out there, who is just as confused as I am, will seek clarity from this and can find himself/ herself as well because understanding oneself is of utmost importance in living to the fullest, in my humble opinion.

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