Apprehension

apprehension 

/aprɪˈhɛnʃ(ə)n/ 

noun

anxiety or fear that something bad or unpleasant will happen.

"she felt sick with apprehension"

It scares me, how we are our own and only creators of our future? I don't think it makes much sense to expect a seventeen year old to make decisions that will definitely make up a huge part in how the rest of her life will play out to be like. 

And I'm terrible at making such decisions. Somehow, JC is a lot different from secondary school. There's no such thing as "trying" out anymore - no more testing of waters, nothing of that sort. It's all or nothing. You either do it or you don't. I mean, come on, it's only two years - what was I thinking? Did I really think I could possibly take two years to find myself and expect everyone to make concessions for me to try things out? Everyone around me already knows what they want and what they're heading towards and I can tell that they are making conscious efforts towards their goals. Not I. I don't know anything and I don't know what I want for myself. 

I constantly still question myself if I've let the opportunity slip away, deciding so early to pass up something I would possibly feel the most comfortable in, and the only thing I actually felt good at doing. I'm so afraid that because of this void, I end up making a decision impulsively. 

I really want to find the same sense of fulfilment I did in RGS here in JC and I'm really scared I end up losing these two years doing nothing really worth mentioning. It's really only when we leave do we realize how much we've gained from the place and how much everything was so.. comfortable and protected, yet provided an environment which we could truly grow. Is JC really just about A levels? Somehow, I have faith that it isn't but at the same time I feel like there's a need to place that of utmost importance in my list of priorities. 

But while I don't know how to make decisions, I know myself best. I know I'm someone who won't be able to sit still for nuts. I truly need somewhere where I'd be able to put my energy to the best of use and that place really isn't on my academic work. Oh, please, please, please let this be the right decision and please allow me to give my best no matter the outcome. This is what I've chosen, what I'll be choosing and what I'll be putting in effort in.