Empowered

I bumped into her today, a friend I never really got to know properly and never really said anything more than a "hello" and a "goodbye", and perhaps a bit of small talk in between.

It's been very long since I was alone on the top of an old public double-decker bus - nowadays, I'd choose the quicker and a lot more suffocating option of the MRT. Buses used to be a staple in my daily life, taking 132 home with the best company in the world and at times where I find myself in solitude, I'd get lost in my own thoughts, and I remember myself writing lousy but the most honest poetry on a lousy tablet computer my dad got for cheap, looking out of the window watching faster vehicles zip by. Today, I hopped on one and started writing, as honestly as I could, just as I used to. 

There was no use pretending, though I still subconsciously censored so much of my own thoughts - I just couldn't bear to put certain realities down onto cold, hard writing, choosing to portray a better version of what it really is. 

This is by far the most truthful portion out of the five short paragraphs I wrote then and yet I have chosen to tone down reality with abstract phrases and no detail. Here is is nonetheless, in its raw, unedited motion-sickness form; 

I'm so blinded by fantasy that it is a legitimate struggle when it comes to pulling away. I know I will eventually be successful at distancing myself but I have absolutely no idea when that would happen and more importantly, if I'll overcome everything without hurting myself too much. As my mum said, I wouldn't want to fall in love with something, or someone I'd eventually come to be irritated by. And neither do I want anyone to be superficially attracted to me, nothing good will come out from that. 

I named the title of the note in my phone where I typed it "Infatuation" - short lived passion. While it did not fully reflect my thoughts exactly, it was the best I could muster at that point in time and I pride myself for having the courage to come to terms with myself and to do that. 

The moment I stepped out of the air-conditioned bus, my pair of spectacles broke at one of the strangest places - the lens probably expanded more quickly than the frame when it got into contact with the warmer air outside. And yes, it's that blue/ green pair I'm seen almost everywhere with - it's time to put it away. Surprisingly, I didn't feel any negative emotion - it felt liberating even. 

I spent the rest of the day doing what I loved to do best - baking. 

With grease on my fingers, I stole a glance at my phone and saw that she had texted me. It was surprising to say the least but I didn't read it just yet, and headed to take a nice, long shower to rid myself from the oils of the kitchen. 

We talked, and I was so, so, so glad for it. Sometimes, timing is amazing and I felt so liberated. While everything was shocking and at first it did hit me quite hard - in fact it still does and I am prepared to self-heal, no matter how long it may take - it felt like a blessing right from the start of the conversation and if blessings wore disguises, this one sure did put on a great, big effective mask. The conflict I was going through, the reason why I was writing and thinking so much on the bus this fateful day, everything that has paralyzed my rational mind recently; somehow they all fell into place and the pieces that mattered solved itself. While the other part of me started breaking and falling apart, instead of leaving me with a chasm that I wouldn't have been able to fill, it felt more like the shedding of dead skin, akin to the mealworms we were forced to take care of as little primary school children. 

Empowering.